28th September time to check-in to the Hospital and get this done. My lovely friend Janice drove me into Exeter and insured that I arrived just after 7am, I waved her away and made my way to the ward. Changed into a rather swish wraparound gown which hid my bum without the need for ties that no human can actually tie.

I had a few minutes and spent that time looking out the window watching the leaves starting to fall, trying not to think about Kingy, George or any negative possibility that could be the outcome of the day.

The previous week I had spent some time writing my Will, planning my Funeral (which I have to say will be one hell of a do), paying bills in advance of their due date for the shop, stocking the shop to the rafters with stock so there would be less for Kingy to do in my absence.  All the time keeping what was happening to a very few people.

Customers came in the shop, and it was business as usual, friends and acquaintances came in and it was business as usual – I always say to customers when they say see you soon ‘I will be here’. Closing the shop of the Friday evening my heart was heavy with the thought that this might be the last time I turned the key.

The hardest job I had to do was to write my George a letter.  A farewell letter if you like.  I also had to apologise to him.  I had packed him off to University to start his Masters thinking that I was having robotic surgery to remove Tony but I had held back the fact that I was having a neck dissection.  Me and my boy are so close and I knew that he would much prefer to be at home supporting me than be at uni., but I could not do that to him, I needed him to be getting on with his life, to be studying, to be getting on with things.  If I did not make it then he would know that I was sorry, that I loved him with all my heart and that I had made sure I had left him financially good. Emotionally I was relying on my brother, sisters and Kingy to look after him.

I also wrote to Kingy telling him I was sorry that I had caused all this upset, that I loved him dearly and many other things.

I got my finances in order; made a plan for the house and the shop and ensured that those I held dear would be okay.  These were the hardest things I have ever had to do and my big girl knickers were pulled firmly up.

Anyways, all this was going through my mind as I continued to stare out of the hospital window. 

Someone called my name and it was time to go.  I walked to the theatre with a lovely nurse and was greeted by a bank of people wearing blue scrubs and my heart started to pound with the enormity of what was going to happen.  I had just got on to the bed when the surgeon told me that he had taken another look at my PET scan and do you remember that I had had one earlier at the other hospital and was told that it was all clear but now, there was a glo, a little light on the left hand side of my neck on one of nodes that was potentially cancerous – so in the six weeks between scans Tony had spread to my neck!

My eyes closed and I woke up (generous term) around 7 hours later in intensive care recovery.  I had been very upset, had been flailing around trying to remove tubes, was asking repeatedly for George and Kingy – everything was white, it was quiet, I was not sure where I was.  I asked the nurse (apparently) if this was heaven or hell and was told it was another H, hospital.

6:30pm almost 12 hours later I was wheeled into HDU bed C1, a little bit later (which felt like ages and ages), Kingy arrived. I saw the sadness and horror etched on his face as he looked down at his wife with all kinds of tubes, drains, needles, tabs, blood pressure stockings, drips etc. and not really in the land of the living.  He held my hand and I really do not remember much after that.  Before surgery I asked him to take photos of me so I could see what had been done.  I was aware that I could not move my neck, open my mouth or eyes or talk. 

I know I look as rough as rats in the some of these photographs and honestly I look much better now (honestly) but they show how bad Tony was, what I had to go through to get rid of him, without surgery my prognosis was around five years so he had to go!

The road to recovery was going to be long.

Please check yourself, here are some links:

https://coppafeel.org/ https://prostatecanceruk.org/ https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/bowel-cancer-screening/

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/skin-cancer/

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”

Desmond Tutu

#bootupandstompit